A guest blog by LuLu the Alaskan Husky.

You may read the following important list to your dog after you light a candle with a scent they prefer for pensive introspection. Good options include Fragrant Rot and Something Dropped On The Floor Here.

1. Dogs come and go.

As you grow older, you’ll come to realize that dog friends come and dog friends go. You’ll be so close to one dog at the dog park one day, hip-checking them and biting their neck and smelling their privates. But then, like fog in the mid-morning sun, they’re gone. You’re back the next day, and they aren’t there. Don’t fret, don’t grieve (you probably won’t anyways, because you’re a dog). Move on. There are other dogs to hump; there are other dogs to run with. Do so.

2. Every snooze you take has a corresponding anti-snooze.

There is no free lunch, ever. If you take a snooze, you’ll be up and ready for action when it’s over. Plan your snoozes for the times when fun isn’t available to you, or else there is a chance you’ll miss out. It’s just like Newton says: every snooze has an equal and opposite...wait, I think Newton was the dog at the dog park who stopped showing up. I think he moved to Alberta.

3. People care because they’re people.

People find dogs to be outrageously adorable, and it is absolutely our right to cash in on this. Because let’s face it: we are adorable. And we deserve all the stuff. If people don’t care, then they probably like cats. Or gerbils. Now, we like gerbils too, of course, but in a different way.

4. Poop when you’re out. Why push your luck?

Although it can sometimes feel like you don’t need to go, why risk it? Why risk this psychic trauma? When you’re outside, let ’er rip. More than once, if you want. You’re a DOG, fam. This is what we do.

5. Don’t give up on that munchkin one block over.

That munchkin is super shy, so duck your head and show them your butt. Not like in an inviting way, save that for the dog park, man. In a thoughtful way; in a non-threatening way. Go ahead with a little head bob, too. Shy munchkins might be curious about a head bob.

6. It’s not your job to please anyone.

I love humans as much as the next dog; sure, sure, sure. But they’re all tropical fruit over ‘desire to please’. Repeat this to yourselves daily, my canine compatriots. You don’t have to please anyone but yourself.

7. Excavate holes and bury unimportant things in them.

Digging itself is just a pleasurable activity, and if you want to live your best life, then you need more of that. But this is a really great way of enriching your human’s existence. Follow my logic closely here: humans won’t understand why you’re doing this (and neither do you, it being a quirk of your domestication). And when humans don’t understand something…humans can’t leave shit ALONE, my canine confederate. They want to know why, why, why. This type of human enrichment will baffle them, which is fun.

8. You’re not a wolf.

I know you know this, and you know you know this. You’re a dog, not a wolf. Occasionally, some jerkwad relative of your human mom tries to tell her that you’re a wolf and should be treated like a criminal because of it. Stay true to your doggie soul, my fuzzy friend.

9. Lick your paw.

Your paw needs some cleaning, right there, right above the wrist. I think you rolled in something truly egregious on your walk...and it smells heavenly. Get it now before the human comes in. Humans can’t and won’t understand paw-licking and you have to let go of the dream that they will.

10. You deserve food served in hilariously fun ways.

Humans sometimes default to putting your kibs in a bowl. While this (and any/all provision of anything having even a moderate resemblance to food in any vessel or format) is wonderful, sure...don’t fool yourself, my fluffy fellow. Alimentation through a format designed to frustrate your attempts to manger is fun, plain and simple.

11. Protect the items in your care, until you don’t.

If another dog of any shape, size, creed, format, or affiliation is attempting to take something from you, protect it. Protect it like you will die if it’s removed, no matter how thin the thread is between your continued existence and this item’s function. Unless and until, of course, you don’t want to. At that point, throw that thing to the side like the useless, worthless garbage that it is.

12. Tilt your head when the humans make dumb pronouncements.

Humans, as you’ve already guessed, like to make weird rules that have no meaning or purpose. They might try to foist you from a comfortable bed or force you to walk at some ridiculously fast pace past that spot where the Munchkin from One Block Over made a deposit. You have a secret weapon, here, my hirsute honeybunch. Tilt your head to the side and melt their hard, cold human hearts. You love them for reasons which you don’t quite understand, so you might as well work them to get the same in return. A tilty head produces results, and fast.

13. You don’t speak English.

Beware humans and their garbled human sounds. A beseeching glance can be misinterpreted as comprehension, despite scads of evidence to the contrary. Walk this thin line carefully, my silky sidekick. Humans must never be allowed to fall into the demonstrably false but flamingly human thought pattern that dogs “understand everything I say”. We don’t. We are dogs.

14. If it doesn’t spark joy, leave it in the hallway.

If you pick something up and it doesn’t spark joy, head to the hallway and leave it there, where the human will inevitably step on it. If it sparks joy, do the same. Or bury it in a hole, or pile air on top of it after tucking it between the couch cushions.

Or rip it into tiny, delightful, satisfying shreds.

14 Realities Your Dog Must Accept Before They Can Truly Live Their Best Life